There is a quiet that lies within a woman, at the base of her being. This quiet is not a lack of sound, but a lack of fear, pain, and worry. I know this place exists within me, but I had abused its existence. I trampled on it with the chaotic dances of worry that filled each corner of my day. I allowed my soul to be blackened by irrational fears that made their way into the few moments of sanity I had left. I had fallen into the pit of modern humanity where I was tainted by the current world of separation from the divine and nature. I pushed my seat of quiet so far below my consciousness that I could not seem to reach it. It called to me from dreams and I longed for it when my day seemed filled with endless moments of suffocated being.
Women as caretakers, whether caring for children, parents, other loved ones, or patients, tend to place the cared for in front of themselves. It is a state of martyrdom that becomes all-encompassing, and even through the sheer exhaustion, comfortable. The endless moments of caring for others, despite the stress involved, allows the caretaker to avoid the self. I could avoid looking for that hidden piece of quiet because I was afraid of being whole. This sounds insane for sure, why would one not want to feel complete and whole? Because it is easier to mourn the loss of one’s soul than to face one’s truth. There is a lot of work to be done to find that quiet space. Like a hoarder of physical items, I have hoarded unnecessary fears, painful memories, and enough worries to render the average person mentally disabled. To find myself, I had to clean up my mess. It took time, but the real me with dreams and ambitions lived beneath the layers of baggage. She was there, and I found her. I found myself as a person existing beyond caregiving.
While this may seem like an unusual occurrence, I think that many women who live as caretakers fall into this abyss of confusion until it is safer to remain there. Then, the idea of ever leaving the womb they have fallen into is terrifying. Unfortunately, this leaves many without a solid foundation or a connection to a deeper part of themselves. They are lacking one of the greatest gifts they have been blessed with. This is when the journey must begin, because as each bit of debris is removed from oneself, the soul becomes lighter. A total cleansing can make one free, and a free soul has a greater potential for touching the divine that lives within themselves. They connect through inspiration and discovery. I survived this process, and came out stronger, but so many caregivers are caught in this pit, forgetting who they are. It is crucial to reach out to them, and help them to see that they are beautiful people and should not sacrifice who they are to be a caregiver, but supplement who they are.